I love the word surprise! To me, surprise disrupts life as usual; it can be a revelation or a confetti-kind of celebration. Surprise holds promises that wouldn’t have been present in the moment before. In this leadership journey of mine, there have been many surprises but three stand out.

“Inch-by-inch, row-by-row, gonna make this garden grow.” I initially thought of leadership as summiting a mountain, planting a flag and declaring victory; full of daring and death-defying moments; and that has been true at times. But in the longer view, I now see my leadership journey as planting a garden. I have been surprised that life goes on – that my leadership revelations aren’t eye-opening, world-stopping events but more quiet and unexpected understandings – of seeing the familiar in an unfamiliar way. I am surprised that although I moved into a new work arena, it is the network, skills and aspirations from the old spaces I left that bring the best results for the new. I am surprised by the time that I spend wondering how to be productive – am I being worthy of this fellowship with choices I have made. Is there something bigger that I am missing? Or does big also come from incremental steps; from a foundation of a life? I am surprised when the world looks the same when I expected different because of a different view.

Rediscovery can also be a surprise. Building and cultivating relationships has always been a strong theme in my life and I gratefully consider this one of my greatest resources. I am a firm believer in the “cast a wide net” approach of connecting with others. All people are teachers; not only can one can learn from them all but you never know how or when those connections might assist you. My fellowship journey has included an intentional focus on expanding connection, building networks, and being deliberate about cross-pollination. Logically, that makes sense and I believe it in my head. Nonetheless, the heart is the place from which connection springs; assumptions and implicit bias sometimes hold me back. This leadership journey has helped me rediscover the heart-truth in my logic.

A story from a Harvard Executive Education Class - Leadership for the 21st Century might best illustrate this. A white, male police officer was in my small leadership challenge group. He and I differed around the issue of Black Lives Matter and Blue Lives Matter and I took for granted that this difference defined the relationship regardless the fact that I found him intelligent, introspective and kind. But he was the one who supported me when I challenged one of the class’s alpha white male participants. And then he asked if I was taking more Harvard classes because he thought it would be great to be in another one with me. I was surprised. It wasn’t something that I would have asked him because of my definition of our relationship. It reminded me that social connecting also means intentional dropping of shields forged in self-defense and the importance of reaching out to others, especially those who differ from me in philosophical ways. Building a relationship across this divide requires resilience to be stronger than exhaustion; complexity stronger than simplicity and knowing that being right can mean doing wrong. The connection that he made with me was one of the highlights of the fantastic Harvard learning experience. My ongoing leadership challenge is to answer some questions. How do I initiate such connections? How can I surprise someone who never thought I would recognize their gifts? I will begin by being open and paying attention.

The third surprise has been a shift in perspective. I have never been one to understand the concept of work-life balance. I understood work and its requirements but have had a difficult time justifying the attention that my wife and family need. My wife is similar in this perspective and her work obligations control her movements as well. I wonder how this – our way of being together - may have shallowed the potential of our relationship. Let me illustrate what I mean. The question recalls for me the incredible experience of the 1993 LGBT March on Washington. Minnesota had just become the 8th State to add sexual orientation to its human rights law and I had been an organizer for the “Its Time” Campaign in Northeastern Minnesota. Sharon and I had committed our lives to each other in a public ceremony a year prior. But in Rural Northeastern Minnesota, demonstrations of that commitment, whether holding hands, slow-dancing or kissing each other goodbye were scary and shallow, out of necessity or paranoia. At the Washington DC March when LGBT people took over the streets and the town, I learned the joy of greater relationship depth without fear. We held hands without wondering who would see, and I felt the difference. It made me wonder about the damage to us that the place we live in causes.

Leaving my job as part of this Leadership Journey, and entering the “third act of my life” has allowed a shift in my perspective. I have heard time and again that people who are dying look back and wish that work hadn’t been as important to them and that family and friends have occupied more of their time and love. The Fellowship has allowed me to consider anew what I find important, and to pay more attention to my family before my death bed; still very much alive and kicking. I have learned that it is important to be available for people you care about – not only for them but for you. I have had time to be more supportive of my wife and my family and I feel the bond deepening.

The Fellowship has given me the surprise gift of breathing out of the water that we all swim in – of seeing the world anew and looking at clouds.